Time to be a bit honest

Hey guys,

Most of you are here from my Facebook page, and I appreciate you taking the time to read this post. It does mean a lot to Kurt and I.

Phew, I am not sure where exactly to start and in all reality this post is probably going to take me a few days it took a month and a half,  to properly write out, due to emotions flying around all over the place.

I guess there is no better way to start then the very beginning. In May of 2008, Kurt and I decided we were not going to prevent pregnancy any more. If it happens, it happens, if not, so be it. Well, after a few months, nothing happened, then after a year, still nothing happened. We were not anxious, but at the same time we felt we were ready.

In May of 2009, we had started the process of moving into a new place so things got put on the back burner while everything settled down, in December of 2009 we starting to "not prevent" again. Nothing Happened. We noticed all of our friends, family members, etc seemed to be getting pregnant, we were not losing hope.

Come May of 2010, we decided to start "actively" trying for a baby. When I say actively, it means I kept proper record of charting my temperature, cycles, took ovulation tests monthly, etc. Come December of 2010, nothing had happened still. After talking with two different doctors, we decided to take the next steps of possible infertility. I received all of my testings, blood work, checked for hormone levels, etc and everything came out normal. Next step was for Kurt to get a semen analysis to make sure everything was good on his end.

He did his test towards the beginning of June and they say it takes 10 business days to find out the news.

On June 9th, I received a phone call from my amazing doctor, the conversation went like this:

Erica: Hello?
Doc: Hi Erica, this is Doctor Toni, I received Kurt's results back!
Erica: YAY! How do they look?
Doc: Erica, they do not look good. His tests are showing no sperm activity.
Erica: What does that mean?
Doc: That the chances of you having a child are very slim at this point, you need to see a urologist.

I hung up the phone and cried. And crying is what we have been doing for the past week. We had an appointment on July 18th with a Urologist. He was very informative and explained it could be of two different things, one meaning we might never have kids and the other meaning some things could be done. He did some blood work on Kurt to find out which of these it was, although he did tell us he was 80% sure we weren't going to be able to have kids. We left there, crying again.

Two days later, the doctor called to give us the news. He was right, we are not able to have kids. The doctor believes Kurt has a rare disease known as klinefelter disease. Basically instead of having and XY it is a XXY. This makes him infertile. We have to go back to the doctor to confirm the cause of his infertility, although we are almost certain this is the reason.

A lot of people have asked us how we are coping:  Kurt feels extremely guilty as if he is holding me back from accomplishing a dream of mine to be a Mother. We are both angry. Why is it that a baby who is born to a mother addicted to drugs can happen almost daily? Why are babies born to parents who do not love their children with all of their heart and murder them? Kurt and I are good people and we do believe we could be amazing parents, but yet we will never have that opportunity.

We are experiencing a lot of emotions. I cry, daily. I am scared. I am nervous, I feel hopeless and lost. Kurt feels guilty, as a failure, and a poor husband. Our love has grown stronger then ever for each other. We both realize we are each others backbone. We feel like we have to re-plan a life we have imagined since we got married. We do have an amazing support system, but at the same time we do feel very alone in our current situation. Not anybody, we personally know, has gone through what we are going through.

It is extremely hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And at times, we do not even see the light at all. Another question we have received are "Are you going to adopt?" We don't know yet. We are not throwing the idea out, but we are still managing the news so it is not a decision we feel we are ready to make yet.

A Bible verse that keeps us going:  

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11