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The Hatch Life: Time to be a bit honest

The Hatch Life

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Time to be a bit honest

Hey guys,

Most of you are here from my Facebook page, and I appreciate you taking the time to read this post. It does mean a lot to Kurt and I.

Phew, I am not sure where exactly to start and in all reality this post is probably going to take me a few days it took a month and a half,  to properly write out, due to emotions flying around all over the place.

I guess there is no better way to start then the very beginning. In May of 2008, Kurt and I decided we were not going to prevent pregnancy any more. If it happens, it happens, if not, so be it. Well, after a few months, nothing happened, then after a year, still nothing happened. We were not anxious, but at the same time we felt we were ready.

In May of 2009, we had started the process of moving into a new place so things got put on the back burner while everything settled down, in December of 2009 we starting to "not prevent" again. Nothing Happened. We noticed all of our friends, family members, etc seemed to be getting pregnant, we were not losing hope.

Come May of 2010, we decided to start "actively" trying for a baby. When I say actively, it means I kept proper record of charting my temperature, cycles, took ovulation tests monthly, etc. Come December of 2010, nothing had happened still. After talking with two different doctors, we decided to take the next steps of possible infertility. I received all of my testings, blood work, checked for hormone levels, etc and everything came out normal. Next step was for Kurt to get a semen analysis to make sure everything was good on his end.

He did his test towards the beginning of June and they say it takes 10 business days to find out the news.

On June 9th, I received a phone call from my amazing doctor, the conversation went like this:

Erica: Hello?
Doc: Hi Erica, this is Doctor Toni, I received Kurt's results back!
Erica: YAY! How do they look?
Doc: Erica, they do not look good. His tests are showing no sperm activity.
Erica: What does that mean?
Doc: That the chances of you having a child are very slim at this point, you need to see a urologist.

I hung up the phone and cried. And crying is what we have been doing for the past week. We had an appointment on July 18th with a Urologist. He was very informative and explained it could be of two different things, one meaning we might never have kids and the other meaning some things could be done. He did some blood work on Kurt to find out which of these it was, although he did tell us he was 80% sure we weren't going to be able to have kids. We left there, crying again.

Two days later, the doctor called to give us the news. He was right, we are not able to have kids. The doctor believes Kurt has a rare disease known as klinefelter disease. Basically instead of having and XY it is a XXY. This makes him infertile. We have to go back to the doctor to confirm the cause of his infertility, although we are almost certain this is the reason.

A lot of people have asked us how we are coping:  Kurt feels extremely guilty as if he is holding me back from accomplishing a dream of mine to be a Mother. We are both angry. Why is it that a baby who is born to a mother addicted to drugs can happen almost daily? Why are babies born to parents who do not love their children with all of their heart and murder them? Kurt and I are good people and we do believe we could be amazing parents, but yet we will never have that opportunity.

We are experiencing a lot of emotions. I cry, daily. I am scared. I am nervous, I feel hopeless and lost. Kurt feels guilty, as a failure, and a poor husband. Our love has grown stronger then ever for each other. We both realize we are each others backbone. We feel like we have to re-plan a life we have imagined since we got married. We do have an amazing support system, but at the same time we do feel very alone in our current situation. Not anybody, we personally know, has gone through what we are going through.

It is extremely hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And at times, we do not even see the light at all. Another question we have received are "Are you going to adopt?" We don't know yet. We are not throwing the idea out, but we are still managing the news so it is not a decision we feel we are ready to make yet.

A Bible verse that keeps us going:  

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

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6 Comments:

Blogger Todd and Lisette said...

Oh Erica I am so sorry to hear the news about you and Kurt...I can not imagine how devastating it would be to get that kind of news. I feel like nothing I could say would really help you feel better, but I do know that through all of this we have a Creator who has a master plan for you two....maybe it doesn't include children, I don't know, but I do know that He's got it. I know a girl who delivered her baby preterm due to preeclampsia, and the baby died 8 days later. Her chances of having more kids, and making it to full term are slim and risky. She wondered the same thing, "How do people who don't want/deserve kids get them, and I lose mine?" I wish we knew the answers to these questions but we don't. What I do know is God is faithful and so I hope you will keep your trust, hope and faith in him during this difficult time. Will be praying for you and Kurt as you muddle through the many emotions and this difficult time!

July 25, 2011 at 8:26 AM  
Blogger Tuitavuki said...

Erica My heart goes out to you Guys>>> We love you Tafu and I have been trying for 4 years now the loss of the triplets and no luck getting another ... But look We have AMAZING husbands that love us no matter what We do the same back Children or not You and Kurt are some of the strongest couple I know We love you keep your head up if here for if you need to talk I can relate somewhat to your feeling at this time..

July 25, 2011 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Brooke - "Brookie's Baby Bargains" said...

Erica, my heart is broken for you. Thank you for posting this and being so honest and real. I had been wondering what was going on with you, but continuing to pray when you asked, but knowing what about. I will keep praying for you, for your hearts to be healed, and for God to open the doors to what his will is in this situation, whether it be adoption or something else. I am not going to try to post any advice, because nobody can understand what you are going through unless they have been there themselves. I just want you to know that I love you. You are an amazing woman. God will bless you and Kurt abundantly. Like that scripture says, he has a plan for you. Here are some lyrics to a song that really touched me when I was going through a time in my life where I wanted something so badly, but it just wasn't God's timing for me YET. Bekah sent it to me, and it really helped me to make it through. I hope it blesses you as well.

Do I Trust You Lord?

"Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You."

July 25, 2011 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger *EVANS FAM* said...

Erica and Kurt- I can't even express how sorry and heartbroken I feel for you guys. I can't even begin to understand what you must be going through right either. I hope the email i sent you through facebook helped some. I read that every time I am going through something hard. I know nothing anyone can say or do will make this go away or make you guys feel that much better. I have been praying for you guys to feel comfort. I hope you find it soon. I know I don't know you that well, I should be a better neighbor, but if you ever need anyone to talk to or vent to I am here and would be honored to listen to you. :) love you guys

Camille

July 25, 2011 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger TheWhatIfGirl said...

Seldom have a I read a more honest, deeply written piece of heart. I will pray as I have been since the first cryptic posts appeared on Facebook. Not being God, I can't tell you how things will go. I do know he is there.

July 27, 2011 at 8:31 AM  
Blogger Dana said...

Erica, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Like everyone has said, thanks for being so open and honest about this. You will not be sorry for being transparent with people. And, how can you receive comfort when people don't even know you are grieving?

I know there is nothing I can say except I have seen the goodness of the Lord through trial. Many times there is a "better life" around the corner not in spite of trial, but more because of it.

Praying that God gives you comfort, peace, and patience as you seek Him in this next chapter. You are loved and He does have an amazing plan for each of you and for you together as a couple.

Please let me know if there's anything I can ever do for you!!

July 27, 2011 at 9:37 AM  

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